Something Has Got To Give!

Dear Friends,
The weekend washed the doom and gloom off my spirit, but not without side effects!

On Saturday, I spent the afternoon touring Dufferin Mall, with my son and his father, looking for "Walmart style" jeans for them. In the evening, my younger son and his family joined us for dinner at Mashu Mashu. One spilt cranberry juice on my skirt, two large hummus stains on my sleeve and one pair of thorn hosiery later, I rushed home to change. I met my girlfriend at Seven 44 (the new name of our old joint) to dance the night away. Two sets of lively music, two glasses of soda water and two tequila shots later, I called the grandfather of the two spillers, stainers and climbers to give me a ride home. He threw in a Corner Breakfast, at the pancake house — no strings attached.
Only a few hours later, I reunited with my family in the park. The sun shining, the swing flying and the ice cream melting — it was a beautiful Sunday morning. The kind that leaves the sweetest memory in the corner of everyone's mind.
After blowing my little ones a few kisses, their grandfather and I went food shopping. While I cooked my lunches and ironed my clothes for the workweek, my benefactor sipped white wine and talked about his children and grandchildren. I listened with interest. 
Regardless of the fact that I had a "privileged" weekend (wined, dined and chauffeured everywhere), I believe I've overextended myself; too much running, bending, lifting, carrying and dancing!
At the moment, with my back against the heating pad, and my neck against the ice pack, I'm happily waiting for the drugs to kick in. 
I suppose that's what happens when one decides to live the best of both worlds — something's gotta give! Accepted and filed! What have you accepted and filed today?

What a Deal!

Dear Friends,
A few months ago, I had my first, and hopefully last, fight with my sister, who is ten years younger than me. I accused her of being irresponsible, she accused me of harbouring too much anger! Since then, every time I don't feel my jovial self, I try to address my "anger" issues. However, last night, I decided, I'm not really angry, I'm disappointed. Although anger and disappointment are both by-products of displeasure, I believe anger is a front-seat emotion, as disappointment is more of a backseat feeling. Being let down has a "poor me" quality to it that hostility doesn't.  
Not to mention the G word (you never know when he is eavesdropping) I do have a list of grievances against the mighty card dealer; mother nature, human nature and the nature of my own state of being, to name a few frivolous ones. 
What was he thinking! Who can play with this hand and come out even? Such has been the name of my game recently. 
I know, in vulnerable times one should compare downwards; visit a hospital, volunteer in a soup kitchen or remember one's own past hardships. However, I feel I'm within my rights to be disappointed. Let's just say my plans did not include terrorists in Toronto, gloves in April, alarm clocks and dinner reservations for one, at the age of fifty-eight! 
According to the buddhist philosophy, disappointment stems from having expectations. To my disappointment, my whole livelihood is built on expectations, I'm a teacher! 
Most of all, I'm disappointed in myself for not being able to feel hopeful, safe or grateful anymore. Maybe the world has become more dangerous, or perhaps I've lost faith in my fate. Maybe I should take a page out of my good friend's book and blame it all on post-menopausal turbulences, severe turbulences. 
Just a few minutes ago, I revisited my Gratitude Blog. In April 26, 2012, I was grateful for being able to eat, walk and breathe independently. Obviously, I've raised my standards since then. How disappointing! Accepted and filed! What have you accepted and filed today?

The International Earth Day

Dear Friends,
Today, Monday, April 22 is International Earth Day.
At school, we learn all about reducing, reusing and recycling. We make colourful posters, sing songs, write heart-warming poems, put on skits, and read a great deal of meaningful literature, encouraging us all to respect and preserve our planet.
In every society so much effort goes into saving the Earth for humanity, how about saving humanity for Earth?
The world is huge. Manmade tragedies might be few and far apart, but nowadays, news of violence travels as fast as it's committed. From villages of Africa, India and China to streets of Middle Eastern countries, European and American cities, disturbed governments and citizens are either seeking peace with war or justice with injustice. Those who aspire to sainthood with satanism are not very different from those who think of brutality as a hobby. Terrorist attacks make me wonder whether immigration and refugee pleas to North America have become the Trojan Horse. 
Before we teach anyone to value Earth, we should teach everyone to value life, their own and each other's. In schools, we aim to do precisely that. Our character education programs are filled with honourable values and virtues, lessons in gender equality, anti-racism, anti-bullying. Our library shelves are packed with books conveying messages of inclusion and acceptance. However, as long as we are competing against the entertainment industry (Hollywood, TV stations and video games) I can't help but ask, are teachers suffering from a Sisyphean fate?  
I know I sound like a cynic simpleton when I ask, is human race worth saving the world for? 
We aren't really that different from our gladiator ancestors who killed for divertissement. Humanity hasn't evolved, only electronics have. Accepted and filed! What have you accepted and filed today? 

The Comfort Zone

Dear Friends,
Since our treacherous Mother Nature has decided to ditch Spring and go back to Winter, I decided to make a big batch of vegetable soup, with cheese, bacon bits and freshly fried seasoned croutons! I know, the irony is unbearable!
Although, unlike last weekend, this one is shaping up to be a couple of quiet days, I'm glad I've returned to my comfort zone; granddaughters, chick flicks, exercise and philosophizing!
My brief experience as an "Older Woman" was not without insight. Borrowing the title of a play by Bekah Brunstetter, I realized, Nothing is the End of the World (except the end of the world). Boundaries, conventions, insecurities — are all meant to be dismantled.
What I have to do now, is to allow myself to venture outside of my box, every so often. If not to amuse myself, at least to find out how others live. Accepted and filed! What have you accepted and filed today?

The Diary of a Guilty Older Woman

Dear Friends,
The Universe works in mysteriously ironic ways.
Tonight, as I was clearing the message box of my cell phone, I realized that this morning I'd missed two texts from Him. From a few minutes of each other, one was informing me that he was sick, the other hoping I wouldn't send him packing too, because he had asked for soup. His accusatory message that arrived thirty minutes later, was a reaction to my "insensitive" silence.
The unnoticed texts don't make a difference in my decision to close the Diary series. However, had I read them, I could've sent him a decent reply, instead of portraying myself as a heartless B. 
I feel very guilty for hurting his feelings. All I can think about now, is Oliver Twist and his bowl of soup!
Although I would've enjoyed playing the part of the "Older Woman" for just a bit longer, I'm not really sorry about this "jeu de hasard." It too must have happened for a good reason. Accepted and filed. What have you accepted this evening? 

The Diary of a Shocked Older Woman

Dear Friends,
Last night at around 11pm, as I was getting ready to go to bed, I received a text from Him that read, "Are you happy?" The correct reply would've been "Of course! I'm so happy you came into my life!" But, like an inexperienced "older woman" (that I'm), also at the time, tired of talking with him already a few times, I replied, I'm not unhappy.
This morning, I thought a bit about his lifeless last ok, and decided to rectify my faux pas by texting him something more thoughtful. The best I could do, writing Farsi with English alphabet was, I'm thinking of you.
Fifteen minutes later, I got the shock of my very short Cougar life. 

I've always said relationships are like plays. In order for them to last, couples need to stay in role. Once you choose your scenario, you can't drop your part and pick another from a different storyline.
I watch movies, I read about celebrities; I know dating a much younger man entails some "sugarmothering," but after one date, I didn't expect Him to reply to my sweet text with, "Make me soup tonight, so I can come over and eat it!" 
I think he should've waited at least two weeks before going from, "My beautiful, I miss you," to woman, feed me!
Whether it was a joke, a hint or a test, I took offence. He didn't like my rather harsh reply at all . He wrote I didn't know how to behave with him. I replied, neither you with me. His last famous words were, "Can't you come up with your own sentence?" It made me laugh very hard. 
Hopefully, the next one who comes along has a mother who feeds him. In the meantime, I accept and file that F's unexpected arrival and sudden departure (I'm assuming he has departed) helped me reconnect with the Woman. What have you accepted and filed, today?

The Diary of a Panicked Older Woman

Dear Friends,
To my dismay, this new ludicrous adventure is moving forward in the fast lane. I've already been there, done that, still carrying the scars to prove it. 
I can live with the Farsi version of my darling and my beautiful, I can live with a cell phone and texting, but I can't possibly talk with Him every hour on the hour! And most certainly, I cannot see Him every night! I can't blame him for missing me already, I can be devastatingly charming when I want to, but my matchmaker better warn Him that I don't mind a bit of chasing after, myself. I'm not sure if I can juggle work, writing and womanhood. I might not need that facial appointment after all. 
I believe I caught myself a NEEDY! Accepted and filed! What have you accepted and filed this evening?

The Diary of a Resurrected Older Woman

Dear Friends,
This morning when I woke up, I stood in front of my large mirror, carefully searching for what F. saw in me last night. Although the person sticking out her tongue at me, didn't look as unattractive as yesterday, or the day before, I still have my doubts about his sanity.
In the light of day, my brain was able to retrieve bits and pieces of our two-hour long conversation.
Since I had obeyed his wishes and had given him a post-date midnight call, I must have taken to heart what he had said about Him being a grown-up and able to decide for himself with whom he wants to go out.
As I put on my running shoes, I promise myself to never ever bring up my age again. After all, I myself was once married to a man old enough to be my father.
While waiting for his Oedipus complex to collide with my "Daddy" issues, I realize the only way to get off of any roller coaster, is to go through the ride. Accepted and filed! What have you accepted and filed today?

The Diary of a Bewildered Older Woman

Dear Friends,
Needless to say that as soon as I got home tonight, I ran to my MacBook Pro!
F. wants me to call him around nine o'clock. I still have an hour to talk myself out of contacting Him. But, I try not to. I've never had a "chat" with a man his age who has lived most of his life in Iran. My love of sociology has finally bloomed. I just hope he is not looking for a caregiver. Tucked away amongst seventeen students, two sons, a needy ex-husband and two little granddaughters, there isn't much left for a newcomer. No wonder the woman in me decided to check out!

I called Him. He was going to be in my neighbourhood. I decided to take advantage of my manicure and blow dry and meet Him for "coffee," sooner than later.

I'm relieved that in our "spontaneous" first date, we got the coffee, the handholding and his goodnight pecks on my cheeks out of the way! I didn't get a chance to put to rest my fears, though. It was a friendly visit and I was bewildered. For now, I have no choice but to like Him, for liking me! 
Accepted and filed. What have you accepted and filed, today?

The Diary of a Courageous Older Woman

Dear Friends,
I went to the gym, came back, washed my hair, had breakfast, called my mother and put the remaining of the serotonin to good use by making plans with friends for tomorrow.
But, I'haven't dropped Him that one crucial line yet. I'm still thinking. It's not just the age difference. One, according to my matchmaker, he is fairly new to Canada. I've already been with an ESL guy; filling out forms, writing complaint letters, making enquiries. Two, he is a by-product of the regime that I have fled. I lived in the golden years of Shah's reign, he grew up in what I call an oppressive society with uncertainty, hardship and no western moeurs. I'm sure he is much more intellectual than we ever were at his age, but what if he has strong religious convictions? What if he doesn't drink, dance or like America? What if he is a terrorist, looking for a Toronto connection? Now, that was my mother speaking. Although I haven't said anything to her, I can feel her perspective penetrating my psyche.

As I'm getting ready to go to my younger son's birthday party, I realize there is only one way to find out. I ask Him when he would like to chat and press the Send button. My heart is pounding, as if I've just committed a robbery. The fact that my son turned 36 today, is a horrible afterthought!

I take a deep breath. I owe it to my readers to find out the answer to all those intriguing questions. Accepted and filed! What have you accepted and filed since this morning?

The Diary of an Ambivalent Older Woman

Dear Friends,
Since, this morning I looked good and was going out anyway, I broke the Rules and dropped Him a line, inquiring about his whereabouts. I suppose there was no harm in getting the damn coffee out of the way! I didn't receive a reply.
I returned home from my doctors' appointments shortly after noon, no reply, yet!
The customary, deeply annoying speculations rushed into my head, all at once.
He didn't get my message. He was expecting a phone call. He is playing hard to get. He is upset. He lost interest. Then the accusations arrived; I should've given him my number when he asked for it! I think too much! I should have called him! I should know what I want by now! 
An hour later, my friend's final analysis, "Young men are unpredictable," closed the case!
Just as I was giving up tapping the Mail icon every two-seconds, I saw his name appear across my screen in bold letters. My heart fell. However, as hard as I stared at his three lonely, lifeless words "Yonge and Finch," I didn't find a thread to pull, as we say in Farsi. He hadn't given me an opportunity to reply. Once again, my over-thinking has whipped the life out of a momentum! 
I realize, I need a man who can go the extra mile, no matter how old, busy or "assetfull" he thinks he is. Accepted and filed! What have you accepted and filed, today?

The Diary of an Immature Older Woman

Dear Friends, 
Although I'm sure my friend has advised Him to let me set the pace, I'm already disappointed that he hasn't contacted me again. In the remains of my romantic days, I've decided to play by the Rules and wait for him to take a few more first steps! 
Although after work, I had cancelled my physiotherapy session in favour of a mani-pedi and a blow-dry (just in case), and I had my MacBook Pro up and running all evening, I stayed away from the Compose and Reply icons. A few times, I thought of asking Him out for coffee, but I just couldn't bring myself to re-initiate contact. 
I insist on having the ball, but then I don't always know what to do with it! 
To keep the beat of the electronic bonding up, I reread his 18 e-mails a few times. I find communicating with a stranger with prospects, in my mother tongue, an unparalleled experience; the sous-entendu's, the gradual switch to the informal "you" and the colloquial verb endings, even the misunderstandings bear sweetness. 

My timid attempts at controlling the situation is just pathetic! All the while I'm holding the ball, I'm secretly wishing he would snatch it away from me. Obviously, F. doesn't play by my rules, there is no sign of Him in my Inbox. A mixture of disappointment and relief follow me around. I seem to be more anxious about him liking me than not liking me. 
I realize I need a man who can read my mind! Accepted and filed! What have you accepted and filed today?

The Diary of an Older Woman

Dear Friends, 
Today, my friend, very disappointed in my behaviour, urged me to change my mind. 

I'm not sure whether it was vanity, curiosity or boredom, but something made me re-open the pandora's jar. I e-mailed Him to ask for his phone number. He also attached a picture of himself.  

My keyboard pal is fit, good-looking, charming, self-assured and insisting. But, in my opinion, he is  still abnormal, for wanting to meet me. I even enlarged his picture on my screen, to support my belief; his eyes do reflect a disturbed soul. Of course, my imagination has already taken me from An Affaire to Remember, to Psycho to Gold Rush!
After 18 short, non-committing e-mails, following the golden rule of the Rules, I terminated our electronic conversation. The poor boy doesn't know what he is getting into! He is looking for the mature woman in the wrong girl! 
I called my friend for support and feedback, but all I got was,"Grow up Lili! I don't understand why you can't call him."
The whole experience feels surreal to me. As an array of thoughts and emotions climb into bed with me, I become determined to immortalize them in The Diary of an Older Woman, if not in the name of research, at least for show-and-tell.
According to the experts, feelings are timeless, they don't grow with us. Thus, I don't see why I was told to grow up. Certain emotions don't need to be labelled childish! Accepted and filed! What have you accepted and filed today?

According To ...

Dear Friends,
According to my new masseur (Jason moved away), one should only drink green tea in the summer, always wear socks in winter.
According to expert economists, Obama is not a good American President for Canada.
According to an article in the Psychology Magazine, opposites do not always attract.
According to global surveys, homogenous societies are more happy and peace-loving.
According to my good old friend, there is nothing wrong with a 35 year-old man wanting to meet a 58 year-old woman.
According to me, let's say a 53 year-old woman, with low self-esteem and double standards, any man who wants to meet me must be insane!
Tonight, Insanity knocked on my door. There I was on my couch, surfing the net in my loose pyjamas, when I received an e-mail from my friend, "This nice Iranian guy from my Gym wants to meet you."
I almost ran to the bedroom to put on my brassiere, but I settled for sitting up straight and tucking in my belly! After a few "No, I don't think so," and "No, you should really give him a chance," my e-mail address flew out of my control into his inbox and I received an introductory message.
"I'm F. If you give me your number, I can call you."
Since I'm seldom in the mood to talk at night (I talk all day!), I politely declined, but offered e-mail exchange. He insisted on phone conversation.
My, "I will do it when I'm in the mood," was met with an "ok" in small letters!
I sighed in relief.
Contrary to popular belief, you don't have to leave home to meet somebody. Your friends can do it on your behalf! Accepted and filed. What have you accepted and filed, today?

Family Reunion

Dear Friends,
After spending a fair amount of time in front of the mirror, repairing with artistry what nature has taken away so cruelly, finally, I call a taxi to take me uptown, to meet my cousins.
I'm excited, but nervous. As per usual I arrive early, so I go to a nearby Korean coffee-shop and have an herbal tea, all the while picturing my cousins and their families whom I barely know. 

As I enter the Iranian restaurant, the strong smell of kabob chases away the butterflies in my stomach. I  recognize the hostess, a cousin whom I haven't seen in 35 years. She introduces her children and grandchildren to me. I'm not sure if they all speak Farsi. 
As unfamiliar faces keep appearing through the doors, I'm swept away by whirlwind of names, professions and addresses. I'm happy to see that I'm not the only one who doesn't know everybody. 

Finally, thirty-six guests, most of whom connected to one another by a certain percentage of the same blood, sit down to eat. Fifteen descendants of my great grandfather (on my father's maternal side), along with their spouses and other cousins, form an amazing cross-generational tapestry, displaying a unique collection of minds and lives. 
A few are bound by childhood memories, a few only by their resemblance to our elders who have already left us, but bilingual conversation flows naturally, removing all barriers. I can't help but acknowledge that I'm having a very pleasant afternoon, getting to know my seventy year-old cousin who lives in Iran, as well as my five year-old one who lives in Virginia.

As we get ready to return to our lives, some of us only a few subway stations apart, I notice handshakes have become stronger and hugs tighter. Although everybody's reciprocal "Lovely to see you, we should keep in touch," reflects sincerity, no one, including myself, asks for, or volunteers a phone number or an e-mail address. 

Tonight, while picking up off the floor piles of "unsuccessful outfits" that didn't make it to the restaurant, I can't help but think that perhaps, family reunions are not meant to turn into permanent relationships. They are meant to be enjoyed in the moment. Accepted and filed! What have you accepted and filed today?

Nanny Goat

   
Dear Friends, 
As a traveller, I like my flights on time, my pilots alert and my flight-attendants amiable.
While riding the friendly skies between Manhattan and Toronto, over thick clouds that look more like a bed of undisturbed snow, I have to admit, stepping into my sister's life for a few days, did me some good.
Since I've quit taking risks, (opposing Bill 115 is the boldest thing I've done since my teenage years) every time on a plane, I wonder, what possesses me to send myself up in the air, without strings attached to a rock, down below. As helpful as a double Gin & Tonic is, I also need to bring out my writing tools and philosophize "en route."  
Since the union, has lifted the ban on volunteer activities of the elementary schoolteachers, one could say that the battle between the Ontario government and its educators is over. However, is the war over too? 
As Bill 115 is still in effect, I don't feel that politician's "promises" are cause for celebration.  As we say in Farsi sarcastically, nanny goat don't die, spring will come with melon and cucumber. 
This year didn't need to happen, but it did. It was offensive, draining, demoralizing and damaging in every imaginable way. It ripped the curtain of discretion between all parties involved; it hurt everyone. Nonetheless, I would have preferred to bury it in June, as a warrior.   
Now, a few minutes before landing, and less than three months to the end of the academic year, I'm questioning the value of my political views, professional principles and the white flag that I'm to wave. On this April Fool's Day 2013, as I step out of the aircraft, I'm not sure how I feel about my life rushing back to welcome me. Returning home shouldn't feel like this, but this time, it just does. Accepted and filed! What have you accepted and filed today?