Torturous Holidays

Passport, tickets, money for tipping! Sunscreen, suntan and after-sun replenishing lotion!

Dear friends, finally, the big day is here! Although the three pounds I’ve managed to lose don’t make me look any better in my swimsuits, the effort I put into shedding them, makes me feel slightly better.

When I booked my trip to Cuba in August, I was both, bold and determined. I was confident that flying solo meant adventure.  As months followed each other into winter, my excitement subsided.  Now, a few hours before my flight, I feel very anxious. Even the content of my small suitcase attests to my vulnerable state of mind – nothing short, sheer or plunging. One would say I’ve packed for the streets of Middle East! Some scary resolutions such as insisting on the upper level of the duplex, or watching my drinks at all times are accompanying my modest wardrobe.

I believe the tumultuous first term has left me bruised, unsettled, although I’m no stranger to uncertainty, discomfort, even pain or abuse. I thought all the above was in the past. I took refuge in a democratic country where the government honoured its people’s rights. I entered a profession that made me feel respected and proud, without cause to doubt myself, or to distrust anybody above me.

Alas, the bubble has burst. It’s not a crack in the wall that I can fill, or a tear in the fabric that I can mend. It was a bubble that burst! No one can put back together a bubble!

It didn’t happen overnight, but over time. I was too busy enjoying what I was doing to notice how, layer by layer, teachers were being stripped of their creativity, individuality and dignity.

I’ve been told I have the tendency to exaggerate. Perhaps I’ve allowed my ‘hyper-graphia’ blow Bill 115 out of proportion. Perhaps it’s not the end of democracy or fairness in Ontario.  But then, ‘reality’ is what’s existent in my convictions and emotions.  

I’ve also been told that recent tragic events around the world have made me fearful. I believe I also have the tendency to internalize other people's devastations.

As December 29 drew closer, my breathing accelerated. Finally yesterday, hoping to suppress cortisol and other malevolent hormones, I bought two bamboo knitting needles and some purple yarn! 

At the moment I’m working on convincing myself that the whole experience of surviving solo, with some enjoyment, will be proof that regardless of domestic betrayals and foreign murderers, I can still take care of myself abroad, and be confident that at home, my students’ unconditional love and their parents’ support will drive me to do my best, until I decide it is time to go.    

Now, all I need to do before boarding the plane is to leave myself behind at the airport, all bundled up in the Santa-red winter coat. Accepted and filed! What have you accepted and filed today?

To Pause or Not to Pause?

Dear Friends, 
A few years ago, when I first started dating a man who spoke very little English, I realized I could happily get by with very few words. As the foreigner's English improved, adjectives, adverbs and verb tenses brought about  misunderstandings and misinterpretations that in turn complicated the joyfully simple relationship.  

Although I, myself have too many opinions, and an acute desire to voice them, I've come to see 'language' as a liability. I find our culture to have become very noisy. From a dozen reality and talk shows on TV, to numerous newspapers, and countless personal electronic accounts, people's need to connect, communicate and share information and ideas is overwhelming. 

This holiday season, if I could've, I would've checked myself into a monastery where Scarcity & Silence rule.

Our repetitional 'abundance' has become uncontrollable. We have too much and too many! 

From twenty different sorts of apples and numberless clothing items, to multitude of theories, discussions, ideas and analyses. As all items in the stores are not integral, unique or fresh, neither are all thoughts or notions. Thus, I'm putting myself on pause. 

Thanks to Bill 115, this might be my last New Year Eve's holiday under the Cuban sun! Or, anywhere else but Toronto, for that matter. Since travelling in high season is budget-destructive, and swimsuit shopping far from uplifting, I'm thinking of reacquainting myself with city's free winter attractions.

Meanwhile, I'm planning to outdo my previous self; on the beach, at the bar, on the dance floor, and certainly at the three buffet tables. Although the Cuban cuisine is not grand, their little cakes, breads and butter are worth every calorie. I will definitely participate in all the cheesy land activities, and even force myself to try a few aquatic ones. I just hope no one engages me in more than a small talk! Sermons and Politics don't need to apply!

I wish you all a Healthy, Happy Holiday Season. May all your Hopes and Prayers come true. 

Blog adjourned - accepted and filed! 

What have you accepted and filed today?

P.S. I just changed my mind! Once I read this morning's Globe and Mail and learn what was the price of my perceived 'insubordination,' I just might have to continue talking!!!

Adventures of a Striker

Dear Friends,
This afternoon, I diligently served my purpose - countless 'honkliments,' a few thumbs-down, very many thumbs-up, a few 'middle fingers' and one 'shut up' later, I walked away with some valuable insights.

1. Fighting, side by side, for the same cause is more invigorating than the clubbin' music we moved to! 
2. Journalists look for confrontation, not the truth.
3. City workers, truck drivers and postal workers are our biggest fans.
4. Toronto is not short of ignorant people - from the woman cuddled in her stylish parka, driving a Benz station wagon who 'righteously' gave us the thumb down, to the reporter whose imbecilic question "Can you tell us why you are here, today?"
I must admit though, the grand prize goes to the Sun reporter, dressed up as Santa, whose best comeback to my sign that read, ' Because I'm worth it,' was "Are you worth the taxpayers money? They are paying your salary." 
Unfortunately, we were advised not to engage in conversation with the Media, otherwise I would've asked him, Santa Baby, where do you think my income tax goes, back into my pocket?

As I walked to the Subway, with two stiff knees and a growling stomach, I had to wonder whether the 'mean' public's perception of our performance is correct. Unless the ignorants I met on the sidewalk today have been educated elsewhere, I'll have to accept that maybe, in Ontario, some of us are not doing our job right, after all.

Le Rouge et Le Noir

Dear Friends,
Many, many years ago, having discovered in myself a flare for decorating, I took a few courses in Feng Shui, to embellish my portfolio! My plans to moonlight as an interior designer fell through, but the principles of Feng Shui and the special 'protective' pendant I bought on a field-trip to Chinatown, have remained with me to this day.
Along with perpetually clearing clutter and enhancing the Family and Reputation areas of my condo (I gave up on Love and Wealth corners) wearing black to important meetings is part of my ritual.
"Black is the colour of intimidation, power and strength, just like Ninjas!" Our instructor instructed us.
"You can protect yourself further by holding something red in front of your gut." He instructed further.

In the past few months, (since Bill 115) always anticipating a threat around the corner, I've worn out all my black garments. Not only they have turned into a dusty grey, but a few have even acquired a hole or two! 
If I were a pupil, my mother probably would've written my teacher a note asking whether she knew why I had become so fearful and anxious. If I had a child in my classroom, displaying the same symptoms, definitely I would've sent home an inquisitive note. However, as adults, most of us do our best to shield others from our state of despair, until we break down.
Thank goodness for my heart-shaped protective pendant and Santa-red winter coat. They will come in handy tomorrow, while picketing on the sidewalk! 
Teachers, bring out the Black, put on the Red! Must put Bill 115 to Bed!

Superstition can be a lifesaver - accepted and filed!

What have you accepted and filed today?

In memory of my colleagues

Dear Friends,
According to an article I read sometime ago, thinking in a second language is an antidote to impulsivity. Researchers have discovered that the 'other' language creates an emotional distance between the speaker and the speech. Till this afternoon, I hadn't given the article much thought, since I can be as impetuous in French and English as in my mother tongue, Farsi!  

A few hours ago, I called my mother in Paris, to wish her Happy (Iranian) Mother's Day. Inevitably, our conversation led to the horrific shooting in Newtown, Connecticut. Although I had surfed the Net for hours and had read all there was to read, my mother's recount of what she had heard in the French News, shattered my guard. As her words in Farsi knocked down the second-language barrier, I found myself in the darkest emotional pit. At first, my thoughts turned into images of young children running and screaming, and then my horror developed faces - faces of my own students and grandchildren. I literally became sick to my stomach, and hung up. 

Weapons and mental illnesses are like cotton and fire. I truly hope politicians pay as much attention to one, as to the other. I also hope parents and school boards pay more attention to educators when they identify a student as 'troubled.' It has been documented, over and over, that at some point, a teacher had seen and heard what the eyes and ears of parents and neighbours had missed. 
I dedicate today's posting to the memory of my colleagues in Newtown, Connecticut, who courageously abandoned their life on the floor of their school, beside the little bodies covered in blood.  

Deeply Superficial

Dear Friends,
As if the content of Bill 115, newspaper headlines and the vitamin D-less weekend weather were not depressing enough, I took myself swimsuit shopping! There is nothing forgiving or heartwarming about this demoralizing activity!
A few hours, and a two-dozen tankinis, bikinis and in-betweenies later, I gave up searching for what I needed, and went looking for what I wanted - a red dress! 
Big mistake!
I have always oscillated between sizes 6 and 8. But, yesterday, to my surprise, I had to struggle with size 10 garments. Naturally, I didn’t embrace the truth by buying a size 12 dress; however by packing up all the clothes that the dry cleaners have shrunk over the years, I accepted that I shall never be half the woman I am today! I also accepted that I only have enough willpower to go cold turkey (literally) long enough to squeeze myself between an 8 and a 10, soon - hopefully.

Bill 115 might have snatched away my pricey, glossy copies of Vanity Fair, but not my vanity. I remain profoundly superficial - accepted and filed!

What have you accepted and filed today?

Head up, Chin up, Shields up

Dear Friends,
As the inevitable date with work to rule approaches, the Ontario teachers' will have to take up the shield of faith to protect themselves against the flaming arrows. 

Since Bill 115, whenever I defend our profession, someone throws in my face that there are so many 'bad,' undeserving teachers! 
Well, in every occupation there are people with different levels of competence; lawyers lose cases, doctors misdiagnose patients and certain contractors mismeasure windows. Why should it be different in teaching? Teachers belong to human race residing on Earth, not other planets.  

Those who have issues with teachers, should take them up with those who train, accredit and hire them. Once a teacher receives the stamp of approval of a few institutions and organizations, she has every right to think of herself as a "good" teacher.
As for 'excellent' candidates turning into 'bad' teachers down the road, I really would like to know what happens in their schools and classrooms to throw them off track.

Only ignorants can declare teachers solely responsible for school drop-outs, young offenders, and unemployed, assuming the 'scandalized' public measures teachers' merits by the number of Nobel Prize winners they produce! 

In the old country, where they still call homemakers 'housewives,' they also admit that, a housewife's work, which is never done, is seldom appreciated. I believe, teachers in Ontario suffer from the same misfortune. I'm wondering whether it has something to do with the fact that historically, teaching has been a woman's job. Hopefully, as more men join the profession, the value of our labour will rise to higher esteem. 
Until then, solidarity is the best policy! Accepted and filed! 
What have you accepted and filed today? 

Homicide, Suicide or Plain Murder

Dear Friends,
I spent a few hours of my weekend with a group of very intelligent, cultured old acquaintances.  
I was quite taken aback when someone asked me very bluntly, "Are you going on strike? It's disgusting!"
I was lost for words, mostly because I had anticipated an 'amicable' evening out!  
The grievances were explicit; cashing sick-leave days, too much time off, incompetence, and not understanding that there is no money!  
As I started arguing my views against Bill 115, someone changed the subject, purposefully! 
But, my opponent's last sentence stuck with me, "They have given you everything!" I suppose, 'everything' is as relative as anything!

Had I read the article a dear colleague had sent me, before leaving the house, I would have had the perfect reply! According to Thomas Walkom of thestar.com,  Ontario government is holding a gun to Ontario teachers' head. The fight isn't about saving our lives, but who should pull the trigger.  

Apparently, how we die makes a difference to the Supreme Court! Suicide verses homicide! Our one day political protest will cry 'Murder!' 

I never understood why people prefer to stand where there are cameras. I always thought if I'm murdered, I'm dead. Peu importe, they catch the criminal after I'm gone! The same self-absorbed mentality propels me to cheat when it comes to sorting and recycling! 

Today MeMeMe understands, it all makes a difference to those left behind. 
If I have to die, I rather it be murder! Accepted and filed!
 What have you accepted and filed today?

Democracy-Hypocrisy

Dear Friends,
Tonight at eight o'clock, the number of people protesting teachers' fight against the government was almost twice as high as the number of people supporting teachers. When I e-mailed my family to encourage them to do what's best for them, I asked the empty space around me, 'How the ... did we get here?'
How did we get here - is the kind of question estranged couples ask each other; it's a question parents ask themselves when something goes horribly wrong with their child. I remember many Iranians asking this exact question when, more than thirty years ago, the Islamic Revolution overthrew the monarchy.

Do you ever ask yourself why we are so despised? Do you ever ask yourself who poisoned public's mind against us? I'm sure it didn't happen overnight, as neither do revolutions or delinquents. Did we pull too hard, or didn't we push hard enough? Did we care too little, or did we give too much? Where did we go wrong? Too many C's not enough A's, or vice versa? Whose feelings did we hurt in the summertime? Whom did we offend in the wintertime? Didn't we turn the wheels of economy hard enough by travelling high season? Or perhaps, we didn't take enough courses to further enrich the universities. Is't our pension plan that's making everyone envious? Perhaps people resent our hefty monthly deductions or high tax bracket. Surely we are not being punished for our good looks, reverent status or popularity! 

What a tall order, expecting students to listen to and respect their teachers! Whose example they are to follow? How cruel to insist a bunch of deprived, abused people promote freedom, justice and democracy in their classroom. What a mockery, insisting underdogs instil character values in their pupils! 

If Bill 115 and I end up living under the same roof, I will give my students permission to ridicule me every time I talk 'big' or teach anti-bullying lessons. 

Bill 115 wouldn't have been conceived in a society that respected its teachers. 

If teachers' life and job evoke such bitter indignation, it can only mean that our society is improvised and unhappy - accepted and filed!  
What have you accepted and filed today?

The Showdown

Dear Friends,
This morning, I realized what keeps me awake at night, tossing and turning, is not what I eat before going to bed, or at what time I turn off the lights. What disturbs my sleep, whether in the form of a dream, a cramp or a stubborn itch, is the first thought that pops into my head at the following twilight. 
In the olden days, the nature of the 'first thought' was variable, sometimes exciting, sometimes unsettling, sometimes as mundane as ' I have to pick up the dry cleaning, today.'
However, since Bill 115, the intruders are the same old, same old! Many believe I've become obsessed, repetitive, somewhat tedious. True, this is one news that will never get old for me, unless it disappears.

As the showdown between the government of Ontario and the Unions begins, all teachers might have to cut voluntary activities. However, it's not as simple as it sounds.
Strike is straightforward - you are either on it or not. Work to rule remains many shades of grey. So many scenarios, combinations, interpretations and what ifs! It reminds me of the time I was dating a 'difficult man'. I didn't have the heart to cut all ties, at least for a week or two to teach him a lesson, so in my pathetic attempt to play hard to get, I stipulated my own stipulations! 'I'll go out for drinks, not dinner. I'll pick up the phone on the fourth ring, not the first. I'll be busy on Saturday, but not on Friday. I won't cook, but will order in.'
As the clever man detected my weakness, he became even more uncompromising!
At the end, I lost both, the man and my self-respect. 

Timid, lukewarm efforts to make a point, will not bring it home. Maybe, neither does the passionate, persistent resoluteness, but to paraphrase Mark Twain, twenty years from now I'll be happier for having tried the latter - accepted and filed!
What have you accepted and filed, today?

Bill, Al, Dick or Harry

Dear Friends, 
According to Canadian Press, thanks to recession, the art of 'layaway' is back in style!
Well, according to Lili Press, the art of 'puttingaway' is not far behind! I have already decided that my sense of security and financial stability is more important than the Holiday Cheers!

Thanks to Bill 115, not only I have become frugal, AKA cheap, but also calculating and mean-spirited!
This Saturday, I thought I take advantage of a man who wants me back. Unlike other times he is in town, last night, I dressed with purpose; the toughest shapewear, black silk hosiery, the tightest skirt I could find in my closet, and a bright, low-cut top, to divert his attention from my collagen-free face! Layer upon layer of serum, concealer and foundation went on with the same precision as the eyebrow pencil and the red lipstick. The sound of black stilettos in the foyer could only spell determination.

Throughout dinner, as I pictured my future comfort and peace of mind; double pension, two residences, (one in the city, one by the lake) saving accounts and best of all, the same set of children and grandchildren to fuss over, a warm, fuzzy feeling enveloped my sense of judgement.
The more I thought about being driven in winter, and lying on the beach all summer,  the more I leaned forward; the more I ran my fingers through my hair. Al, persistent cause of my past miseries, seemed the perfect antidote to Bill 115, aging and worrying. I felt eighteen again, not in looks or energy, but in insecurities. 
As I took a sip from my third glass of vintage wine, my eyes fell on the faded engraving of my bracelet, I love me. Suddenly, I sat up straight. As sobriety took over my self-doubt, I remembered it took me forty years to forgive myself for abandoning the eighteen-year-old me in a marriage of convenience. 

Later at night as, one-by-one, I rid myself of my weapons of seduction, I knew I was going to end up an older, poorer teacher in a shoe!

Bill, Al, Dick or Harry, just can't get along with any of them! Accepted and filed!
What have you accepted and filed today?

Solzhenitsyn

Dear Friends,

When my mother learnt about my fight against a 'government legislation' (Bill 115) she panicked. Having lived in Iran and Russia, she believes the government can make people disappear! 
"The secret service, will kill you!" She warned. 

A couple of years ago, I would have laughed at her. But, since Ontario's Bill 115, a lot seems plausible. Although I have every confidence that RCMP has much bigger fish to fry than to lose sleep over my opposition, I must admit I couldn't  come back to her with my usual reply to her paranoia, 'Mother, I live in Canada for God's sake!'  

As my thoughts relentlessly pivot around Ontario's Bill 115 and its implications vis-à-vis Democracy, I realize I don't trust my government anymore. It disregarded my rights once, it might again. I'm amazed at people who think it's all about education or teacher salary. What a smart move, to start with the least liked public servants! 

People are so happily busy teacher-bashing that they don't see the ramifications of overnight legislations. 

As my blog continues to be more political than humorous, I'm beginning to feel a bit like the Russian author Aleksandr I. Solzhenitsyn! 

"If one is forever cautious, can one remain a human being? ”

― Aleksandr I. Solzhenitsyn

“You can resolve to live your life with integrity. Let your credo be this: Let the lie come into the world, let it even triumph. But not through me.”

― Aleksandr I. Solzhenitsyn 

No more rights or benefits - just taxes and winter! Accepted and filed! 
What have you accepted and filed today?

Nowhere to Run, Nowhere to Hide

Dear Friends,
According to an article in today's complementary issue of the Toronto Sun, 'Tory white paper zeroes on Ontario Teacher's pension plan ... . 
Fist, Liberals throw up Bill 115, now Tories want to throw out our pension. We might as well kiss our life goodbye! Regardless of the road taken, it seems that we are all going to end up in the same spot.  

If I lived in Iran, and were into cutting deals with Allah, by now I would've made a pilgrimage to Qom to ask Saint Masoomeh either to give me Hercules strength to carry on, or a rich husband to carry me off! Although, I'm not sure what I would've offered her in return. Nothing else to give up! All there is left, are the bare essentials.   

Poor Ontario teachers - nowhere to run, nowhere to hide! Accepted and filed! 
What have you accepted and filed today?

Skin Deep

Dear Friends,

Having conducted my parent-teacher interviews with flying colours, I thought, just for the weekend, I put Bill 115 on the back burner and expand my mind, still rummaging through my 'incomplete' reading materials. Big mistake! I should have limited my activities to putting up my feet, with my good old friend Merlot by my side.

According to Perri Lewis' article in the Psychologies Magazines (August 2012), conditions that trouble our skin hold the secret to what's going on inside our body and in our head. Well, according to my mirror, my exterior doesn't scream peace of mind, or joy! The dark circles, the sagging, flaking skin, the fine lines, the deep wrinkles, the sunken cheeks, the reddish cheekbones and one drooping eyelid attest to a very disturbed personality! 
Apparently, my emotions have an impact on my hormones, which in turn affect my skin, which proceed to influence my mood that definitely gives rise to the kind of personality that lets emotions affect hormones. 

To make matters worse, I also came across an article on morphopsychology. According to Dr. Georges Roman, our face is the exit point of our thoughts and emotions! If I were a Californian celebrity depending on my looks to earn a living, I probably could've sued Bill 115 for damages, from the poor house. However, my success as a teacher rests on my commitment to my students - enthusiasm, energy and creativity runneth over.  

The rest of the weekend went something like this; stressing over stressing over the amount of cortisol my harassed mind pours into my strained body that my silly face feels compelled to show!

The only consolation remaining -  my looks don't impact my teaching! Accepted and filed! 

What have you accepted and filed today?