It's almost eleven o'clock at night. It has taken me a while to accept that neither the Cubans nor the guests at the resort are out to get me. Finally, I make an attempt to relax in the picture-perfect setting, and let the evening breeze and the welcoming Mojito escort my troubled thoughts out of my head. I look around, everything is exactly the same as it was last year; the tall Christmas tree in the middle of the lobby, the comings and goings of the familiar personnel and the damp air. Although the guests are all strangers to me, their tourist mentality doesn't make them any different from the last year's crowd. Everything is the same, but me. I've allowed the past few months make me fearful, bitter and untrusting.
I can here the clock ticking away, but I realize the passage of time has ceased to matter. The borrowed inner tranquility along with the dim lights must have brought certain pleasantness to my face, since people start talking to me. You can ask and tell the darnnest things to strangers! However, before the compliments and the alcohol have a chance to take effect, the paranoid mind, still as sharp as the eyes that are looking into mine, races over to mock my gullibility. Not only it recaps my own anxieties and insecurities, but it also reminds me of my numerous responsibilities.
I can here the clock ticking away, but I realize the passage of time has ceased to matter. The borrowed inner tranquility along with the dim lights must have brought certain pleasantness to my face, since people start talking to me. You can ask and tell the darnnest things to strangers! However, before the compliments and the alcohol have a chance to take effect, the paranoid mind, still as sharp as the eyes that are looking into mine, races over to mock my gullibility. Not only it recaps my own anxieties and insecurities, but it also reminds me of my numerous responsibilities.
"Shouldn’t you be somewhere in Toronto, fighting Bill 115, attending to your granddaughters, or keeping a watchful eye on your son who made the 'merry season' merrier by announcing that he has stopped taking his anti-psychotic medication?"
The few seconds it takes me to shoo away the voices are misinterpreted as indifference, and once again, to my invalid mind’s delight, I’m sitting alone - hand in hand, cheek to cheek with my guilts and worries. Sometimes I wonder whether I myself am developing a mental illness, and my poor, kind brain is just trying to warn me.
Finally, I take the road most travelled to the Disco, where libation and loud music fail to come to my rescue! As the nagging voices inside my head become stronger, so do the drinks. I don’t remember who wins the first round. All I know is that as soon as I stop moving my body to the beat, my mocking brain emerges!
Far from everyone’s loving concern and observant eyes, I think the best time and place to kill my mocking brain is in Varadero, under the glorious sun, with waves upon waves of salty water to wash away the evidence.
As I become aware of alcohol's plans to take total control of my head, I step outside, realizing that I don't really want to kill my brain, just my mind - this ever guilt and worry producing machine! Oh, how I wish upon the shiny stars of the Cuban sky to develop amnesia!
Although with my luck, I will forget all the best, but retain the worst!
Finally, I take the road most travelled to the Disco, where libation and loud music fail to come to my rescue! As the nagging voices inside my head become stronger, so do the drinks. I don’t remember who wins the first round. All I know is that as soon as I stop moving my body to the beat, my mocking brain emerges!
Far from everyone’s loving concern and observant eyes, I think the best time and place to kill my mocking brain is in Varadero, under the glorious sun, with waves upon waves of salty water to wash away the evidence.
As I become aware of alcohol's plans to take total control of my head, I step outside, realizing that I don't really want to kill my brain, just my mind - this ever guilt and worry producing machine! Oh, how I wish upon the shiny stars of the Cuban sky to develop amnesia!
Although with my luck, I will forget all the best, but retain the worst!
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