Torturous Holidays

Passport, tickets, money for tipping! Sunscreen, suntan and after-sun replenishing lotion!

Dear friends, finally, the big day is here! Although the three pounds I’ve managed to lose don’t make me look any better in my swimsuits, the effort I put into shedding them, makes me feel slightly better.

When I booked my trip to Cuba in August, I was both, bold and determined. I was confident that flying solo meant adventure.  As months followed each other into winter, my excitement subsided.  Now, a few hours before my flight, I feel very anxious. Even the content of my small suitcase attests to my vulnerable state of mind – nothing short, sheer or plunging. One would say I’ve packed for the streets of Middle East! Some scary resolutions such as insisting on the upper level of the duplex, or watching my drinks at all times are accompanying my modest wardrobe.

I believe the tumultuous first term has left me bruised, unsettled, although I’m no stranger to uncertainty, discomfort, even pain or abuse. I thought all the above was in the past. I took refuge in a democratic country where the government honoured its people’s rights. I entered a profession that made me feel respected and proud, without cause to doubt myself, or to distrust anybody above me.

Alas, the bubble has burst. It’s not a crack in the wall that I can fill, or a tear in the fabric that I can mend. It was a bubble that burst! No one can put back together a bubble!

It didn’t happen overnight, but over time. I was too busy enjoying what I was doing to notice how, layer by layer, teachers were being stripped of their creativity, individuality and dignity.

I’ve been told I have the tendency to exaggerate. Perhaps I’ve allowed my ‘hyper-graphia’ blow Bill 115 out of proportion. Perhaps it’s not the end of democracy or fairness in Ontario.  But then, ‘reality’ is what’s existent in my convictions and emotions.  

I’ve also been told that recent tragic events around the world have made me fearful. I believe I also have the tendency to internalize other people's devastations.

As December 29 drew closer, my breathing accelerated. Finally yesterday, hoping to suppress cortisol and other malevolent hormones, I bought two bamboo knitting needles and some purple yarn! 

At the moment I’m working on convincing myself that the whole experience of surviving solo, with some enjoyment, will be proof that regardless of domestic betrayals and foreign murderers, I can still take care of myself abroad, and be confident that at home, my students’ unconditional love and their parents’ support will drive me to do my best, until I decide it is time to go.    

Now, all I need to do before boarding the plane is to leave myself behind at the airport, all bundled up in the Santa-red winter coat. Accepted and filed! What have you accepted and filed today?